Camp Randall Stadium wasn’t always a fortress impregnable to Michigan football.
The Wolverines visited there a couple dozen times over its first 80 years or so and lost just three times.
But then, in 2003, the kids started playing that gosh darn rap music and Jumping Around all over the place, and, well, it must have just frightened the sprits of winning Wolverines past from making the trip across Lake Michigan.
And so U-M lost five straight games at Camp Randall — 2005, 2007, 2009, 2017 and, finally, 2019 — by an average of 15 points a game.
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Then again, maybe those winning Wolverines spirits were waylaid by the upheaval in Big Ten football around 2011 that scattered the Badgers and Wolverines to separate divisions — hey, if we couldn’t always remember which was the Leaders Division and which was the Legends Division, how was Ectoplasmic Fielding Yost supposed to? —and kept Michigan from visiting Madison for seven seasons.
Whatever the reason, the magic in the stands of Camp Randall is diminished a bit now, especially after Michigan players joined in on the jumping Saturday before finishing off the Badgers, 38-17.
“We wanted to be up the entire game and then steal their juice,” U-M safety Daxton Hill said after the cleansing victory. “And that’s what we did.”
With the Wolverines win coming just a few weeks after the Buckeyes finally fell at home, it makes us wonder what the next unassailable Big Ten mount will be, dealing misery —this is the Big Ten misery index, after all — to any who visit.
Will it be Mel Tucker’s “Woodshed” in East Lansing? Maybe, though Michigan State football‘s fiery habit of allowing an average of 500 yards over the past two games makes it seem a bit more like “the Tinderbox” (but not, y’know, that kind).
Or Scott Frost’s Memorial Stadium, which went full “Roxanne” and turned on the red lights before the final quarter of Nebraska’s mauling of Northwestern? We’ll see this weekend, probably, when Michigan makes its third-ever visit to Lincoln (and second since the stadium opened in 1923).
But while we’re waiting for that, let’s run through the misery index, from least miserable to most:
14. Michigan: W, 38-17, over Wisconsin
Record: 5-0, 2-0 Big Ten. Last week: 9.
Twenty years is, indeed, a long damn time for the Wolverines between wins in Madison. (Don’t look up the last time the Wolverines won in Columbus. Then again, current U-M secondary coach Ron Bellamy remembers.)
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13. Ohio State: W, 52-13, over Rutgers
Record: 4-1, 2-0. Last week: 14.
The Buckeyes have played the Scarlet Knights eight times — all wins — since Rutgers joined the Big Ten in 2014. They have never scored less than 49 points against them and have an average margin of victory of 42.5 points. Folks, you can’t even buy that kinda performance from a nonconference opponent these days. (Just ask Illinois about paying UTSA.) Ohio State should have to give Rutgers a little extra payday going forward; say, $200,000. (We know the Scarlet Knights could use the dough.)
12. Nebraska: W, 56-7, over Northwestern
Record: 3-3, 1-2. Last week: 3.
Speaking of blasts from the past, the ’Huskers exhumed their triple-option playbook and rolled for 427 yards on 53 carries against the Wildcats. “I’ve got to watch the tape, but man, did we run it better,” said head coach Scott Frost, who managed to only throw one player under the bus this week (quarterback Adrian Martinez for a failed option in a halftime interview on BTN). The 49-point margin — their largest against a conference foe since joining the Big Ten — was also a relic from the Huskers’ past: their largest win over a Power Five school since beating Northwestern by 49 … in the Alamo Bowl on Dec. 30, 2000.
11. Iowa: W, 51-14, over Maryland
Record: 5-0, 2-0. Last week: 6.
About the only handout the Iowans didn’t get in the D.C. area — after six picks by Maryland QBs Taulia Tagovailoa and Reece Udinski, which is totally not a made-up name, plus a fumble for good measure — was an increase in the ethanol subsidy.
10. Michigan State: W, 48-31, over Western Kentucky
Record: 5-0, 2-0. Last week: 11.
Don’t think of the 15-6 run by WKU in the second half as a defensive failure, Coach Tucker — think of it as a way to make sure all the fans stay in “The Woodshed” after your Spartans rolled up 42 points in the first half.
9. Penn State: W, 24-0, over Indiana
Record: 5-0, 2-0. Last week: 13.
Receiver Jahan Dotson had eight catches for 84 yards and two TDs, a rush for one yard and was 1-for-1 passing for 21 yards; it might not be quarterback Sean Clifford who makes the Nittany Lions’ offense move, we’re saying.
8. Illinois: W, 24-14, over Charlotte
Record: 2-4, 1-2. Last week: 4.
Running back Chase Brown rushed 26 times for 257 yards for the Illini, which was, yes, a career high. The former Western Michigan back entered Saturday with just two career 100-yard games — accomplished in back-to-back weeks in November 2020 against Rutgers and Nebraska — in which he totaled 241 yards.
MISERY INDEX RECAP
WEEK 0: Look out, Michigan and MSU — there’s a new team atop the Big Ten
WEEK 1: Why Michigan football’s worst loss ever is a little better
WEEK 2: Why Michigan State is still conference’s king of Columbus
WEEK 3: Another team has beef with Notre Dame
WEEK 4: Michigan and Michigan State prove ‘stats are for losers’
7. Minnesota: W, 20-13, over Purdue
Record: 3-1, 1-1. Last week: 1.
The Gophers trailed 13-10 in the second half before rallying for their first second-half comeback victory in 18 tries under coach P.J. Fleck. Which is weird, because all the gophers we know are great at coming back in the end.
6. Purdue: L, 20-13, to Minnesota
Record: 3-2, 1-1. Last week: 5.
Receiver David Bell returned to action Saturday — after a scary hit last week against Notre Dame — with six catches for 120 yards, becoming the 12th player in Boilermakers history with at least 2,000 yards receiving.
5. Northwestern: L, 56-7, to Nebraska
Record: 2-3, 0-2. Last week: 8.
A week after rushing for 373 yards against Ohio (on 51 attempts), the Wildcats managed just 37 yards on the ground against Nebraska (on 26 attempts) — “1.4 yards and a cloud of dust” may not be the offensive motto they want to stick with.
4. Rutgers: L, 52-13, to Ohio State
Record: 3-2, 0-2. Last week: 10.
It’s the hope that kills you. One week after the Scarlet Knights arguably outplayed the Wolverines for a half, they thought they might be able to hang with the Buckeyes, and maybe sneak away with a win in Piscataway. (Hey, a “Sopranos” prequel came out Friday; it’s a big week in Jersey.) And then? Bing. Incomplete pass on fourth-and-8. Two plays later? Bada. Touchdown, Buckeyes. Two plays after that? Boom. Pick-six for the Buckeyes. Three plays after that? Punt! OSU field goal! Rutgers punt! Five plays after that? Touchdown for the Buckeyes and a 24-0 lead. (Once again, more Scarlet Knights action than you probably wanted, but that’s what happens when we click on BTN instead of HBO Max.)
Then again, Greg Schiano sounded like he’d rather have been watching “The Many Saints of Newark,” too: “We’re not going to fix everything that happened out there. There’s some stuff that happened out there we’re just going to have to flush it and move on.”
3. Wisconsin: L, 38-17, to Michigan
Record: 1-3, 0-2. Last week: 2.
The Badgers honored former footnall coach and athletic director Barry Alvarez by naming the field at Camp Randall Stadium after him. The field is also expected to be named interim coach should Paul Chryst depart before the Badgers’ next bowl game.
2. Maryland: L, 51-14, to Iowa
Record: 4-1, 1-1. Last week: 12.
Iowa quarterback Spencer Petras wasn’t entirely joking when he described the Terps’ second-quarter drives thusly: “You sit on the bench for two seconds, you’re right back out.” Maryland’s second-quarter drives: A kickoff return fumble, an interception on their next play from scrimmage, an interception two plays later, a three-play drive that lost two yards — but ate up 80 seconds and ended in a punt — and an interception on the third play of their final drive of the half.
1. Indiana: L, 24-0, to Penn State
Record: 2-3, 0-2. Last week: 8.
The Hoosiers’ offense was supposed to be fun, with Michael Penix Jr. throwing to Ty Fryfogle and Peyton Hendershot. And then there was Saturday night, with only one drive that lasted at least three minutes, eight punts, two interceptions thrown, a turnover on downs, a missed field goal and the end of the game. Oh, and star QB Michael Penix Jr. was injured again, this time in his throwing shoulder.
Google “Michael Penix Jr. injuries” (and be very careful with your typing) and you get a roster of ailments that look like what happened to the Six Million Dollar Man: “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic man.” Then again, if Indiana had $6 million lying around, they wouldn’t have had to visit Bowling Green, Kentucky, last week.
Contact Ryan Ford at rford@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @theford.
This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football misery index: Can Michigan make the lights go out?
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