Friends, relations, whatever the hell Iowa fans are,
I am just as dismayed as you are about the current state of Husker football. Unlike a lot of you, I was able to live through (and remember) our glory days in the 90’s. My heart goes out to those of you who have known nothing but the smoldering dumpster that is Nebraska football right now.
Do not let your hearts be troubled, as I believe I have discovered a surefire way to bring Nebraska back to relevance. This will take a little bit of time and there is some budget associated with it, but I believe by the end of the season this plan can be implemented. I actually learned quite a bit researching this plan and hope to share some of that newfound Nowledge with you as well. I have also had to Google some shady things, so I am now on a watchlist because of this. In order to accomplish this, the first thing we’ll need is a dump truck.
Now I know what you’re saying: “captain_sasquatch, I understand that you are a bipedal humanoid ape-like creature, but I simply cannot see how a **dump truck** would help Nebraska football?”
I would respond by saying: “I am not just a bipedal humanoid ape-like creature, I am a *captain* bipedial humanoid ape-like creature.” With that authority comes sweet ideas. I will **also** demonstrate that there are multiple uses for said dump truck. Hang with me.
Before we dive too much into the dump truck idea, it turns out you need a special license for this. We here at Nebraska are going to do things on the up and up, so we’ll need to look into getting a CDL. As a brief aside, [turns out there is something called a tank endorsement.](https://dmv.nebraska.gov/cdl/cdl-classes-endorsements-and-restrictions) It sounds way cooler than it is. As it turns out, it costs about $3000 – $7000 to train and it’s a 160 hour course! Yikes! Well, this is our surefire way to bring Nebraska football back, so let’s open up the coffers and make it happen. We want to get high quality training but we don’t want to break the bank. We’ll assume a middle of the road cost about $5,000. Here’s what our cost looks like so far:
Item Required for NU Football Success | Cost
—|—
CDL License | $55
CDL Course | $5000
This is also going to take about 6 weeks, so this puts us in mid-October already! The clock is ticking!
So, what kind of truck are we getting? Are we buying or are we renting? So I looked into it, and it turns out that there are [8 classifications for trucks.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truck_classification) We are attempting to save an integral part of our culture, so we’re going big or going home. Class 8 all the way or just gtfoh because you’re not even trying.
[I found a very modest 2009 Autocar ACX64 for sale in Montana For $22,500.](https://www.truckpaper.com/listings/trucks/for-sale/32610641/2009-autocar-acx64)
But this is the future of Nebraska football. We can do better.
[2021 AUTOCAR ACX64. A mere $300,000 more than the aforementioned 2009. 66,000 pounds of Nebraska Football-saving steel, baby.](https://www.truckpaper.com/listings/trucks/for-sale/201570235/2021-autocar-acx64)
Here’s what our cost looks like so far:
Item Required for NU Football Success | Cost
—|—
CDL License | $55
CDL Course | $5000
2021 AUTOCAR ACX64| $320,000
Who is going to drive this truck? Trev Alberts. That’s right, our new Athletic Director. I googled: “Does Trev Alberts have a CDL class C” and couldn’t find anything. My gut tells me he doesn’t, so we are likely stuck with little cost-saving measures when it comes to the licensure/training. If anyone knows the answer definitively please let me know. Here’s a “quote” from him:
“*The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would ~~take a man’s life~~ save Nebraska football, you owe it to ~~him~~ the program to look into ~~his~~ its eyes and hear ~~his~~ its final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps ~~the man does not deserve to die.~~ you shouldn’t spend this much money on a dump truck.*” -~~Ned Stark~~ Trev Alberts
“Why in the world are we sending Trev Alberts through CDL training, requiring him to get a license, and purchasing him a dump truck?” -You, probably. Before we dive into that, I would like to illustrate yet another value that the dump truck can add to NU. Think about some famous stadium experiences in CFB. The history and culture are so incredibly rich! Jump Around at Wisconsin, whiteout and Penn State, Sweet Caroline (eat shit Pitt) at West Virginia, Enter Sandman at VT, hell even Boomer effing Sooner! You’ve heard of the turn over chain? How about the Dumb Ass Dump Truck. Now imagine this: it’s late in the 1st quarter against tOSU and we’re driving down the field. Our promsing drive is ruined by yet another errant high snap from Rimington Award Contender* Tight End Cam Jurgens *(note: may not actually be a contender for the Rimington Award). The stadium goes silent, the lights go out (which won’t matter because this is probably going to be an 1100 game anyway), then all you hear is the [ominous sound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBoM6MrKWwI) of the Dumb Ass Dump Truck backing up. It backs up to the middle of the field, its arms slowly descend from the glorious garbagey heavens, and grabs Cam Jurgens and Greg Austin and takes them away for a 2 minute Dumb Ass Dump Truck penalty.
Anyway, why are the State of Nebraska taxpayers footing the bill for Trev Alberts to obain his CDL training, his actual CDL, and drive a dump truck? Before we get to that question, I would like to add just a few more items to our budget:
Item Required for NU Football Success | Cost
—|—
CDL License | $55
CDL Course | $5000
2021 AUTOCAR ACX64 | $320,000
Mileage Reimbursement | $130.50
Fuel | $300
I’m unsure if the University of Nebraska system reimburses for university-owned vehicles. Probably not, but I want to cover my bases and include it here. [They reimburse at 29 cents per mile for personal vehicles.](https://news.unl.edu/newsrooms/today/article/mileage-rate-to-increase-to-29-cents-in-2020/#:~:text=The%20University%20of%20Nebraska%20mileage,cents%20from%20the%202019%20rate.) We’re looking at about a 450 mile roundtrip for Trev to make here, so let’s assume he’s going to use about 90 gallons of fuel (5mpg in this hog) at $3/gallon (diesel) to get the job done. I added a few extra gallons to the budget because he does have some work to do before he leaves town:
So we have covered our bases, set a budget, and understand our key players. Here is the process for fixing Nebraska Football:
1. Send Trev Alberts through CDL training.
2. Have Trev Alberts obtain his CDL class C.
3. Purchase a 2021 AUTOCAR ACX64
4. Drive around to every bank in Lincoln to pick up as much possible cash as the city has.
5. Fill said dump truck to the brim with as much cash as we can possibly fit.
6. Drive to Ames, Iowa and back this sumbitch into Matt Campbell’s front yard.
7. When he comes out to figure out what the hell is going on, Trev needs to peak out the driver’s side window and say: “Hi Matt, it’s me Trev from the University of Nebraska. How many of these is it going to take?”
8. Give Matt Campbell whatever the fuck he wants.
There you have it, folks. I have fixed Nebraska football for a measley $325,455.50
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