Balloons or No Balloons: A Modest Cornposal

So the big news breaking tonight is that the balloon release is coming back to Memorial Stadium just in time for the Colorado game.

There's been a bunch of discussion in this subreddit already about the ethical, environmental, and political merits of recontinuing or banning the balloon release. All of the very valid points that require respectful consideration. But I'm not here to continue that discussion. I'm here to blow this whole thing WIDE OPEN.

We've been through a lot of frustration as a program in the last 25 years, but you need to forget the opportunity cost of leaving the Big 12. Forget about the challenges of not being in the Texas media market when recruiting. And yes, you no longer need to worry about the Solich Curse.

The real curse plaguing the program is the Revenge of the Balloons. Whether the balloons we've collectively released since 1962 assembled into the heavens to usurp God himself or simply congealed on a Council Bluffs farmer's field and combined with enough DDT to birth an eldritch god, I do not know. But what I do know from my highly scientific and very peer reviewed research (by only the best peers) is:

– Nebraska with Balloons = Good

– Nebraska without Balloons = Bad

Take a look at our average margin of victory, our PPG and PPGA and after you do, you can no longer claim I'm crazy. It's simply fact. The Huskers dominated through at era where we had wanton balloon distribution, and any attempt to mess with balloon fortunes was met with the ire of the Balloon God.

We're only winning at home at a ghoulish 46.7% clip when we shun the call of The Balloons through the 2023 season.

By my calculations above, the switch to halving the amount of balloons in 2012 from around 4 thousand to 2 thousand reduced our PPG differential by over 15 points per game. Eliminating the balloon release entirely in 2022 and angering the Balloon God lowered it even further to 1.4ppg and a losing record at home. Awful and embarrassing.

But if we work that trend backwards, we'll see that if we simply increase the amount of balloons released at Husker home games, we'll quickly start dominating opponents in ways we haven't seen since the Osborne era.

I'm not here simply to observe. I have a mandate for Troy Dannen and the athletic department: If my math is correct and we increase the balloon distribution to over 8 thousand balloons we'll beat Colorado by 44 points.

GBR and have a great gameday Saturday (drive safe)

– Dr. huskersax PhD. Esq.